"By the way Tommy, your mom is woof-dog ugly."
Guardian of the Universe...and really annoying kids in short-shorts....

Nothing yesterday because of that pesky work thing. Speaking of which, as my job is nearly over and my movie opens next week, my posts might get a tad spotty. Fair warning is all.

That doesn't mean however that I'm gonna stop watching silly sh!t in the meantime. I'm already watching it now, and it's the note I feel I should go out on.

Though I did watch Branded to Kill (1967, d. Seijun Suzuki) and it definitely qualifies as silly crazy, I've already seen it a dozen times. If you haven't, then get to it. Many of you may watch and go, "Huh, what the f*ck was he talking about? That sucked." The rest will be tuned in and from the opening frames, will give me a hearty, "Awwwww, yeah!"

The other day was a trip back to my childhood and the land of late afternoon, late night, post-Saturday morning cartoons, Sunday morning UHF fare. This mostly consisted of sci-fi, fantasy, martial arts, old horror, and superhero movies that were amazing when you were a kid and at best hilariously bad as an adult. Many of these movies were made in Italy. The kung fu ones were from China. And some were badly dubbed Japanese films. If it wasn't the one and only Big "G" it was the other Big "G" starring in:

Gamera Vs. Guiron (aka. Attack of the Monsters [Huh?], 1969, d. Noriaki Yuasa)

The Story: Akio and Tom are kidnapped by a UFO and whisked away to a world that's been destroyed by Gamera's enemy, the Gaos. The last survivors of the planet, a pair of space chicks, plan to kill the boys, and use the ship to return to Earth. When Gamera arrives to save the boys, the space chicks unleash their pet monster Guiron on him. (I'm sorry that was so long. The only other way to sum it up was Giant space turtle fights giant knife-faced lizard on barren planet for stupid kids. Wait a minute...that is better.)

The Review: Whoa boy. First of all, if you didn't grow up with Gamera, Godzilla or any other giant monster movies (Rodan, Mothra, etc.), you're probably just not going to get this one. Trust me.

Let's put it this way: 2001, A Space Odyssey hit the big screen in 1968, the year before this movie. It's special effects, for the time, are still breathtaking and certainly beautiful. By comparison, most of Gamera almost looks like it could've been made by some high school students and a good arts and crafts class.

The buddy of mine who watched it with me mentioned that a friend of his liked these movies more than the Gamera flicks of the 90's because Gamera's eyes moved. As we watched the movie and watched Gamera's eyes moving, we started asking the big question: "What the f*ck is he supposed to be looking all around at?" Once they started moving, you had to wonder if and when they would ever stop.

Does that mean we didn't enjoy the movie: Hell, no!

It just means that if you've never seen one, there's decent likelihood that YOU won't.

We were having the time of our lives.

Moving on.

The movie's main draw of course is Guiron, the evil monster. Ignoring the fact, again, that he's obviously a man crawling on his hands and knees, one has to marvel at the design. Godzilla's obvioulsy a sort of dragon and dinosaur combo. Gamera's a giant turtle of sorts. Mothra...nevermind. Gaos, Gamera's primary enemy, is sort of a birdy bat-dragon. My point is that you can tell what they evolved from. Not so with Guiron. What creature in nature has a giant knife blade portruding from his head...or for that matter what animal shoots ninja throwing stars? Any hands? (If you should like to witness Gurion's majesty, look here: http://gojistomp.org/gfacts/gameramonsters/guiron.html)

Personally, other than being relentlessly comical, Guiron doesn't do much for me. I love the space chicks. They have that 60's eye-makeup look. They have pointy eyebrows. They wear 60's space outfits with short capes (awwwww, yeah). Their helmets have twin antennas. They eat brains.....wait...WHAT?!? Yeah I don't get it either, and the bad english dub we watched didn't offer much in explanation (I have a feeling that the Japanese doesn't either). They're supposed to be from a highly advanced scientific race, yet their theory on absorbing someone's knowledge from eating their brain seems awfully....I don't know....Aztec?

Still, doesn't mean they're not awesome.

I can watch them. I can watch Gamera. I can handle Guiron. What I can't stand is the d@mn kids in these old movies. I'm just gonna put that out there. For one thing, they carry that childlike innocent "they see things adults ignore" thing to a ridiculous extreme. My question is: Well, if they're so smart why do they always have to have a giant monster save their @$$es? Shucks, maybe they're not all bad. The dubbing doesn't do them any favors. (I do want to know why Tommy is always kissing Akio's @$$ throughout the movie by constantly telling him how much smarter he is.)

So anyhow. No matter what it sounds like above, I recommend that you watch this movie. Watch it with other like minded individuals. For God's sake don't attempt to force it on anyone. And as I always say, "Lighten up." The movie isn't going to cure cancer, but it'll be a lot of fun if you let it be. This all assuming you have seen any of this kind of stuff before as I said. If not, but you still want to witness the glory, try one of the newer Gamera movies from the 90's.

Just remember, if it's giant monsters that you want, make sure that it's Japanese! (English dubbing optional...but if you're looking for comedy...it's the way to go.)

Cheers.